Monday, September 19, 2011

Complain to Win—Not to Feel Worse

I have been known to complain...yes, it has happened.  As I was reading the article that is linked below, I was struck by the simplicity of the comment, "The first step to effective complaining is deciding if you truly want a concrete result or if you just need emotional validation".  I never thought about how important that concept is.  
Below is a short part of this excellent article from Psychology Today called "The Art of Influence".  If you get the chance to read the whole article, I highly suggest it.  I have highlighted the part on the "art of proper complaining", but the other sections on "motivating others", and "how to be a great leader" are very helpful as well.
Kvetch, Bitcher, Debbie Downer: No one likes a chronic complainer, and we've got multiple derogatory terms to prove it. But if you master the art of effective complaining, you'll get what you want while carping less often, says Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem.
Complaining at inappropriate times (when other people are in the spotlight, for example, or when they are focused on issues bigger than yours) can make you look selfish and could further prevent you from being heard. And complaining excessively about one situation can snowball into rumination—anxious and repetitive thoughts that trigger depression.
The first step to effective complaining, then, is deciding if you truly want a concrete result or if you just need emotional validation. The former calls for a complaint; the latter, a vent. Ideally, your interlocutor should know that as well, since trying to "fix" a problem someone else just wants to cry about can cause a meta-argument worse than the original annoyance.
If you decide you want to lodge a complaint, make a plan, says Winch. First, determine exactly what you want to achieve (don't let someone else pick a reparation). Then, figure out who has the ability to provide what you want, and finally, ascertain the best way to get that person to give it to you. Though it's all very logical, in the heat of frustration people usually lash out at the first body in sight. Winch recommends moving from the easiest complaint to the hardest when working on problem-solving skills.
When people receive a grievance, they naturally grow defensive. They might even throw the issue back at you, further dialing up your emotions. That's why you need to be extra nice, against your instincts. "This is the existential dilemma of the complaint," Winch says. "Do you want to be right, or do you want to get a good result?"
One way to avert the downward spiral of defensiveness is to make what Winch calls a "complaint sandwich." The top slice of bread—the first thing you should write in a letter or say to a person—is the "ear-opener," which prevents the target of your complaint from feeling attacked. The "meat" of the sandwich is the specific complaint or request for redress, and the bottom slice is the "digestive," or a positive, grateful statement reinforcing the idea that you are a reasonable person worthy of help.
After suffering through months of loud construction from a building site near his apartment, Winch delivered a complaint sandwich to his landlord. He started off by saying how much he loves the building and appreciates the great job the management company does. Then he asked for a decrease in his rent, in order to make up for the blow to his productivity as a writer, caused by the incessant noise. Finally, he added that he understood that the noise was in no way the landlord's fault, but thought he would be concerned about its effect on his tenants. The result? A rent reduction for six months.

Monday, September 05, 2011

How to Avoid Procrastinating

I would love to say I do not procrastinate, but I do.  Not all the time, but enough to cause me to want to change this part of myself.  
Here is a clever piece from Leo Babauta who writes the insightful blog, Zen Habits, and is also the author of The Little Guide to Un-Procrastination.
Oh, by the way, I am writing this post to avoid having to do something I know I should be doing.
Happy Labor Day!
‘Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.’ ~William James
Your first thought as you look at this article will be, “I’ll read this later.”
But don’t. Let the urge to switch to a new task pass. Read this now.
It’ll take you two minutes. It’ll save you countless hours.
I’ve written the book on ending procrastination, but I’ve since come up with a very simple technique for beating everyone’s favorite nemesis. It is incredibly easy, but as with anything, it takes a little practice.
Try it now:
Identify the most important thing you have to do today.

Decide to do just the first little part of it — just the first minute, or even 30 seconds of it. Getting started is the only thing in the world that matters.
Clear away distractions. Turn everything off. Close all programs. There should just be you, and your task.
Sit there, and focus on getting started. Not doing the whole task, just starting.
Pay attention to your mind, as it starts to have urges to switch to another task. You will have urges to check email or Facebook or Twitter or your favorite website. You will want to play a game or make a call or do another task. Notice these urges.
But don’t move. Notice the urges, but sit still, and let them pass. Urges build up in intensity, then pass, like a wave. Let each one pass.
Notice also your mind trying to justify not doing the task. Also let these self-rationalizing thoughts pass.
Now just take one small action to get started. As tiny a step as possible.
Get started, and the rest will flow.