A few years ago, a new neighbor moved in next door. She seemed nice enough, but just after she moved in, she sent her husband over to knock on our door and say, “My wife sent me over with this. It’s a bid for a new fence and she wants you to split it with us.” It was a very expensive, decorative fence and it was much more than just replacing the existing fence, not to mention, I hated the design. There was also no asking “what kind of fence would you like”, just here, do it. I said, “no, it was too expensive”. She went ahead with the rest of the fence that didn’t affect me.
Now, it has been a couple of years and a number of adjoining neighbors are getting together to replace our fences, but this original “princess” fence design and its cost are a huge part of the decision because it is connected to so many other neighbors.
Some neighbors are compromising and helping pay for the upgrades, others are just saying “no”. To be a good neighbor, I am acquiescing.
So, now, instead of just a replacement of what I had before, I have an expensive fence with a design I would never choose. Every day, I will look at my “princess” fence and think I didn’t want that, but it was the “right” thing to do.
Many times, it is the right thing to do, but how many times (more than I would like to admit) do I say “yes” to “princess” fences and lose a little piece of my soul?
There were secrets in my childhood, ones that I didn’t talk about nor did anyone else who knew about it.
I grew up being careful in certain aspects of my life not to rock the boat, not to say what I was really feeling and thinking. It’s so odd because I was trained as a lawyer and, most of the time, I am not shy about voicing my opinions, but there are those “princess” fence moments.
Those moments are with those I love or with those I am afraid to offend for fear I will lose them or end up in conflict. (In my fence case, I said “yes” to another neighbor who is my friend and who was trying to get everyone together on this debacle.)
I can handle the moments where I know that if the person I am in conflict with leaves me, it won’t matter, I don't care. But, if they have been a loyal friend or kind to me or if I love them, I back off. Not just a little, a lot.
I give them a piece of my soul. I am too afraid to say, “No, I can’t do this, I am trying, but I can’t.” And, worst of all, is when they say “it’s not that big a deal, just accept it.”
Sometimes, they are right. I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but it’s my molehill. And, even though it looks small, these are the conflicts when I can feel my soul aching. These are the moments I know I need to stop and look more closely at the whole picture and what it is I am really giving up.
Every conflict is different for every person. For me, certain conflicts trigger pain from my past where I have stopped standing up for what is important to me in the hopes that I can smooth it over for everyone and make them all happy.
But, I die a little each time. I can feel my soul being tugged at…I feel like that little girl again where my needs and wants must be second to those around me.
As a reader you may be thinking, “it’s just a fence”. But, it’s not. It’s a “princess” fence named for the woman/princess who didn’t care what anyone else thought or how it affected those around her.
It’s about knowing your boundaries, knowing what you must have to be the person you are. It’s about compromising those things that aren’t crucial to you, but protecting those things that bring you joy and allow you to respect yourself. Once you know what you “must” have to be the full person that you are then you can be confident in expressing your opinions and knowing that those who really love and care about you will not leave you. They will listen and work with you.
My “princess” neighbor has given me a lifelong gift. Every time I look out at my new “princess” fence, I will be reminded of how important it is to live a life that is true and to compromise on the little things, but stay firm on those things that represent what is most important to me, otherwise there will be nothing left of me.
