Sunday, March 27, 2011

Let 'em Run Their Own Business

Martha Beck is an author who writes about living life to its fullest.  She is one of my all time favorites.  
She writes a blog with her insights.  The passage below is her latest post.

Each relationship we have is paradoxically all-important and completely unnecessary. Understanding that paradox can save a world of heartache for us and our loved ones.
First, I want to acknowledge that relationships are the most important human experience available to us. I realized in my twenties that the meaning of life is not about what happens to people; it’s about what happens between people. Learning to connect with each other, to experience empathy, to step outside our own experience, and to experience love in all its forms — these, I believe, are the experiences for which we became human. One thing I have always told clients is that it’s worth throwing away ten great things if it helps create one great relationship.
As our first crop of Relationship coaches are nearing the end of their training, I’ve been impressed once again by the way relationships open us up to growth and healing in every area of our lives. That said, I also believe that our culture makes us attach to relationships that are destructive at both a personal and inter-personal level. Whenever we believe that our happiness comes from some other person, we are in grave danger of turning that person into a demigod and losing ourselves, or trying to force our loved ones to do more than any other human being has the power to do for us. We think that the people we love should make us happy, make us feel loved, help us face the world, take away our loneliness, and in a thousand other ways, do for us the emotional work that we can only do for ourselves. I’ve watched so many clients discard one relationship after another because their continued unhappiness was “proof” that they had not yet found the right person.
During one of our Relationship coaching calls, Master Coach Terry DeMeo mentioned that when she was trained at Byron Katie’s nine day school, she kept insisting to her husband that “it can’t all be about your business and my business. There’s got to be an our business” If this were true, relationships would be almost hopelessly fallible. But the fact, as Terry finally concluded, is that if we always tend to all our own business, and allow other people to deal with their business, relationships thrive. If you commit this month to meeting all your own needs, and that you cannot force your loved ones to be anything but what they are, you will find your own life becoming much more peaceful and your relationships finding their optimal pattern, whether that means increased intimacy or the acceptance of distance. Not all relationships can “work” in the way we think they should, but all your relationships are happening for you, not to you, and no matter what the other person does, you can be sure the relationship will get you where you need to go.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Taking the Risk - Permission to Be Real

I love the passage below because I believe it with all of my heart.   As a child growing up, I felt two things that somewhat contradicted each other.  One was that things are not always as they seem and the other was that if you listen to your heart and live true to it, you will be just fine, no matter what anyone else is doing or thinking.  Unfortunately as we get older, there are times when we look around and think "if only we had this" or "if only we were just like someone else or had their life". 

In the end, the truth is not always what it seems.  We can only live our own life true to ourselves.  Good news, though, it works every time.


People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of keeping it real and have an
intuitive sense about what that means. People who keep it real don't hide
behind a mask to keep themselves safe from their fear of how they might be
perceived. They don't present a false self in order to appear more perfect,
more powerful, or more independent. People who keep it real present
themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would
rather hide, sharing their full selves with the people who are lucky enough
to know them.

Being real in this way is not an easy thing to do as we live in a culture
that often shows us images of physical and material perfection. As a result,
we all want to look younger, thinner, wealthier, and more successful. We are
rewarded externally when we succeed at this masquerade, but people who are
real remind us that, internally, we suffer. Whenever we feel that who we are
is not enough and that we need to be bigger, better, or more exciting, we
send a message to ourselves that we are not enough. Meanwhile, people who
are not trying to be something more than they are walk into a room and bring
a feeling of ease, humor, and warmth with them. They acknowledge their
wrinkles and laugh at their personal eccentricities without putting
themselves down.

People like this inspire us to let go of our own defenses and relax for a
moment in the truth of who we really are. In their presence, we feel safe
enough to take off our masks and experience the freedom of not hiding behind
a barrier. Those of us who were lucky enough to have a parent who was able
to keep it real may find it easier to be that way ourselves. The rest of us
may have to work a little harder to let go of our pretenses and share the
beauty and humor of our real selves. Our reward for taking such a risk is
that as we do, we will attract and inspire others, giving them the
permission to be real too.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Giving to the American Red Cross

If you want to make a donation to the Red Cross, you can click into the link below the graphic.

Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami.
American Red Cross

Tuesday, March 08, 2011


This is a great website! was created by Google to help your parents or just about anyone with tech help.  There are more than 50 two minute videos with step by step instructions.  You can email the videos to people from the site or view them yourself.
The videos have received more than one million views since the December launch.

Friday, March 04, 2011

When Life Doesn't Make an Appointment

I had the strangest dream the other night.  It was so clear and so real; I can tell you every detail of it, but I won’t.
I will describe it briefly.  I was standing in our den and a contractor walked in out of the blue and told me he had been working on the plans for the den and he was here to start work.
I was shocked.  We are not doing work on our den, I have no intention of doing so, and what the heck was he doing walking in on me with NO appointment.  It was one thing that I didn’t even want work done and didn’t hire him in any way, shape or form.
But, the thing that really infuriated me was that he had the nerve to enter my life without an appointment.  I am not even that busy, but you don’t just waltz in whenever you like without giving me advance notice and allowing me to prepare for whatever it is.
HA!  I told him, “Get out!  You need an appointment to see me”.  He said, “I do what I want and I don’t ‘do’ appointments”.
Now, I know that sounds silly, but I figured out what he represented and why he caused me such angst.
He represented those things in life that happen without an appointment.  I don’t get  to schedule them.  They just happen.  I can’t tell them I don’t want them and they have to go away.  They have the upper hand.  When life deals you blows or changes that you don’t want, or have not prepared for or scheduled, tough luck.
I have plans.  I have always had plans, but it is only now that I am coming to realize that I may have plans, but not control.
When I told a friend of mine about this dream, he said a contractor is there to tear the present down and build up the future.  Wow, I didn’t even see that!
Another friend of mine says she has learned how to live life like a willow.  I love that image.  It is a beautiful way to describe the incorporation of flexibility and acceptance into your life.
I haven’t seen my contractor lately, but I feel more prepared to tangle with him next time he stops by.
My dream taught me two things:  you REALLY can’t plan everything and you need to learn to live peacefully with that concept AND tell a friend about your dreams and they may see things that you completely missed.