Sunday, March 21, 2010

What Was My Natural Hair Color? Part II

I few months ago, I wrote about forgetting what my natural hair color was and how that symbolized the feeling that  I had lost my own identity.  I couldn't remember who I was.

What Was My Natural Hair Color?

Yesterday, I went to my 3rd hair color expert.  I had grown my hair out for three months so I could really figure out what my natural color was.  Two colorists had already told me that my natural color was very dark and they were just matching it (something didn't feel right).  I kept thinking they are the experts, they must know.  I didn't trust my instincts and thought they must be right.  But, I had that nagging feeling.  It started out with that "I think" they are wrong feeling and it continued to morph into my "I know" they are wrong feeling.

Guess what?  I hit the jackpot yesterday.  The woman I went to could see all the color changes and could really see the natural hair color.  I was right!  I wasn't crazy. OK, I know there are millions of other more important things to talk about, but this one hit me.

When I was in high school and college, for some reason, I just knew things. Sometimes, I was too focused, but I knew what was in my heart and I really didn't hesitate to act on it. Somewhere in between then and now, I started to question myself.  I hesitated more,  I spent more time asking everyone's advice.  

Yesterday, when my hair color was exactly what I thought it had been, but no other colorist believed me, I kept saying to myself, "So I was right, I am not crazy".

I know have been beating a dead horse with this analogy, but I believe that inside every one of us is the person who doesn't just "think" they should do something. There is that feeling of clarity that you "know" you should do something.

I tried to think back to those moments in my life where I just knew.  There was no hesitation and I went for it.  I can't actually remember myself asking the question, "should I do this?"  In these rare instances, I had no need for a pro versus con analysis, I just knew.  "Yes, do it".

I don't regret even one of those moments, no matter how they turned out.  I knew I was doing the right thing for me.  Lately, I have found those moments when I listen to my heart loud and clear.  They don't seem scary at all or even uncertain.  They are what they are and I go forward.  They are actually very comforting even if the decisions are big ones, I know I will find a way.  

My mother once said to me, "You don't regret the things you did do nearly as much you regret the things you didn't do."  Thanks, Mom, for those pearls of wisdom.  When your heart tells you what to do in no uncertain terms and you "know" what to do, do it. Believe in yourself and your instincts.  They will not lead you astray. Obviously, it's not just about hair color.  It's about living life to its fullest and being the best person you can be.   I actually think all of our lives came with instructions.  It's up to us to read (and to listen to) them, follow them, and live life authentically and true.  No one else can do that for you.

When I feel clarity, it seems as if anything is possible and it's all so much easier.