Is Being Too Nice Making You Fat?

“Is being too nice making you fat? Nurturing others means you aren't taking enough care of yourself.”

This is the beginning of an article from SELF magazine by Susan Cheever called, "Is Being Too Nice Making You Fat?"

Now, I am definitely not one to advocate being selfish, but I can tell you that taking care of as many people as I can in these times of the sandwich generation, can sometimes take a toll on me.

Ms. Cheever discusses the role of dieting and weight growing up as a child.  It was a very complicated concept, as I think it is for many young women (and sometimes men).

She writes about the dilemma that women face sometimes in needing to comfort themselves and using food to accomplish that.

“Then a friend said something wise: "If you want to know what you really care about, look around. Your actions tell the story." Clearly, although I believed I wanted to eat less, powerful subconscious forces were overriding my resolve. Some part of me needed to eat too much. Was there something about being overweight that I liked? How did it serve me?

Certainly, by the end of a day of catering to colleagues and family, I was sorely in need of comfort (in other words, food). I needed a way to put some distance between myself and the demanding world (again, food). Was there a connection between being too accommodating, between saying yes too quickly and unthinkingly, and feeling hungry? Maybe I was using food to dampen my anger and resentment at being taken advantage of. I was protecting myself with an extra layer of flesh. "It's about boundaries," Maine says. "Women often have a hard time maintaining them. You say yes to everyone else, so you can't say no to food.

I decided I would worry less about feeding other people emotionally and physically. I would start saying no. Or at least, I wouldn't say yes until I'd had time to think about what I wanted to do.”

I am not, and I do not believe Ms. Cheever is, suggesting in anyway to stop caring for those we love.  I think the issue is that we need to be mindful of why we are eating and make sure it’s not filling a need that should be dealt with in a different way.

I think it’s a great practice to ask yourself before you put a brownie in your mouth, for example, why you are eating it?  If you just feel like it and it tastes good and you feel no guilt afterwards, great.  If you are eating it because you are anxious or angry or upset, it’s not a bad idea to figure out if the brownie is the best solution.

Do not think that I have a perfect handle on this!  I don’t, but I think the SELF article is worth reading because the truth is that most of the time, dieting just scratches the surface.

The big stuff is underneath.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

"Don't Fear Failure" by Conan O'Brien

I know there were many wonderful commencement speeches over the last week or so, but I think you will really enjoy the following.  This commencement speech was given by Conan O'Brien at Dartmouth.

I will quote one of the passages below that provides food for thought for recent graduates (and everyone else).  If you get the chance, read the whole speech or watch the video.  Not only is he extremely eloquent and speaking from personal experience, but he will have you in tears from laughing so hard at the beginning of the speech.  As a background note, Conan O'Brien is a Harvard grad.

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay. Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007."

http://www.dartmouth.edu/~commence/speeches/2011/obrien-speech.html

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

The RealReal

Julie Wainwright has launched many start-ups and she was kind enough to come speak to our Oxygen group a year or so ago.  What I have always loved about Julie is her amazing determination and persistence (and her ability to love life with all its ups and downs).  

She has just launched a new start-up featuring designer clothes for resale: TheRealReal.com  The clothes are stylist selected, fine quality, and amazingly priced.  According to Julie, "women who love Chanel, Prada, Celine, YSL and other top designers have a new place to shop online for great deals.   The RealReal, a refined, stylist-curated designer consignment store, opened its doors for membership enrollment today.  Sales begin at the end of June.  All designer items to be a fraction of the original price."

You can buy clothes online or consign your own.  It is easy to consign.  The company is offering a special White Glove Service where consignors can call The RealReal on their toll-free number at (855) 435-5893 during business hours and a stylist will schedule a UPS pick-up of the items.  Or a consignor can fill out a form online and send in their items for sale.  San Francisco Bay Area consignors fare even better as stylists working with The RealReal will pick up items at your home or office.  The company expects to expand this personalized service to other key cities in the near future. 

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

The Winding Path to the Future

As many students will be graduating in the next couple of weeks, I was struck by a conversation that I overheard between an adult and a student who had just finished his first year of college.

“Are you going to graduate school?” asked the adult of the student.  “What are you going to do with your life?”

It’s possible that these are just simple questions with no underlying meaning, but I don’t think so.

I think as adults, we feel the need to label people and things.  It makes it easier for us.  It’s possible that young people know exactly what they will do with their lives at a young age.  Most likely, though, they don’t know or are coming up with an answer that pleases the person asking the question.  Who really knows where life will lead us?

It seems to me that these are “teachable moments”.  When these questions come up at graduation or other times, what if the young person said, “I am not sure, I think I will do this”.  And, immediately following that, the young person asked, “What did you think you wanted to do at my age, did you do it, and how did it work out? What did you learn from your experiences?”

Instead of making the conversation one where adults just want an answer or one where the young person attempts to come up with an answer, what if we turned it around?

By the time you have lived a number of years as an adult, it’s almost laughable to think someone at the age of 18 or even 22 really knows what is ahead.  Of course, they can have dreams or goals, but really knowing what you are going to do is highly unlikely at such a young age.

I think we would do a great service when conversing with graduates if we supported the concept that life is a journey and asked what are your dreams, but then took the time to help them realize that life has so many winding roads and paths.  Keeping their eyes and minds open to opportunities that arise is really what I would want them to think about.

Next time, you are conversing with a young person who is in the process of making decisions, you might want to consider giving them advice on what you wished you had known and the differences it might have made for you instead of spending too much time having them answer questions they are are not really sure of.

As adults, I think we have a responsibility to encourage young people to take chances. We need to let them know that not only is it OK not to have a specific plan, it’s how life works its magic...leaving a little of life to serendipity.

The problem with making young people label themselves or come up with specific answers is that it doesn’t leave room for all the possibilities.

In 1997, Apple Computer ran the “Think Different” ad campaign.  I loved that campaign because it epitomized what happens when you allow people to dream and not put a label on their future.

Here is the gist of the campaign:

“Here’s to the crazy ones.  The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers.  The round pegs in the square holes.

The ones who see things differently.  They’re not fond of rules.  And they have no respect for the status quo.  You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.

About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them.  Because they change things.  They invent.  They imagine.  They heal.  They explore.  They create.  They inspire.  They push the human race forward.

Maybe they have to be crazy.

How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?  Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written?  Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?

While some see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Here is link to the one minute TV ad:

Think Different

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

Bridesmaids

Last week, I had a chance to see the movie, “Bridesmaids”.  At the beginning, I thought it would just be a female version of the “Hangover” with a lot of raunchy scenes; but, in the end, it surprised me and I liked it very much.

What I enjoyed was the authenticity of the writing.  Throughout the movie, I was reminded of two concepts that I have come to consider as principles of life.

One principle is the way that true friends know you and, at some point, refuse to let you live a lie or a way of life that isn’t true to your core.  Real friends know that it’s more important to call you on something than let you go ahead and live your life in denial of something you refuse to see.  Sometimes, life is hard and it’s easier to pretend that certain things in your life are not happening.  That’s when those true friends come in and gently (often not so gently) remind you of what you are doing or or not doing.

The second principle is that things are not always as they seem.  Many times, we live our lives feeling that we have not achieved as much as others or that “they” are so much happier than “we” are.  It may look like life is “perfect” for others and that we are somehow running behind; but, often times, the “behind the scene” look is not so perfect or so happy.  That does not mean we should ever take pleasure in someone else’s misery, but it’s just a reminder that we all have our issues and that being happy on our own journey is what is most important.  Comparing ourselves to others is a waste of time, mostly because all we see is the outside.

Anyway, I liked “Bridesmaids” and I enjoyed the special place that women’s friendships play in our lives.  These friendships provide the support and joy that help us through life’s ups and downs.  They are indispensable.

Let me know if you have seen the movie and what thoughts you had.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

Feeling Like a Woman in Paris

I was fortunate enough to spend the last week in Paris.  I have been there a number of times, but this trip was a little bit different.

I rented a studio with the most beautiful view of the Eiffel Tour and I had time to enjoy being with a close friend who lives in Paris.

Although I grew up traveling to France throughout my childhood, there seems to be an additional feeling of comfort I get when I am there.  Something makes me completely peaceful.  It’s not just being on vacation.  I have “vacationed” many places.

On this trip, I had more time to get to know Paris and myself.  I think I finally realized what it is that brings me so much peace when I am there.

Now, this may or may not be an experience you can relate to, but I will share my thoughts with you.

As a woman living in the United States, I have always felt the need to be strong and independent and to prove to men, in particular, that I can take care of myself.  Being an attorney was part of that plan.  It is not to say I don’t feel like a woman or that I want to act like a man, but I have felt that in order to gain a certain amount of respect or credibility, I need to be strong.  Many times that means not showing my softer side. 

In Paris, I was totally drawn to the amazing beauty, the food, the make up, the perfume, the clothes, and the lingerie.  Though I love those things at home, I am more “comfortably” drawn to them in Paris.  

It’s as if being a woman is not just OK, but it’s natural and respected there.  I realized that the reason I feel so at peace in Paris is because I don’t feel any need to prove how strong I am.  I watch the Parisian women and although they are a diverse group, they have a way of being extremely feminine and yet completely confident as women and as people.

It’s as if I can take a breath and relax knowing that being less “strong” and being "softer" is much more natural for me.

I asked a male friend of mine there who is French how he views women in business in France.  He felt they are very much respected, but he noted that French women are much more feminine than American women.

I wasn’t offended by that comment.  I think he is probably right overall.  There is a difference between dressing, acting, and feeling sensual and dressing, acting, and feeling sexy.  I think many of our younger generation have not completely understood the distinction.  It’s not about distracting men with a sexy outfit or look.  It’s about being comfortable with your own sexuality.  

Three years ago, I wrote a piece on how what you wear underneath your clothes is just as important as what you wear on the outside (see below if you are interested).

Now, I think I understand more fully what I was feeling when I wrote that piece.

I do love Paris, and Europe in general, but I think what I love most is feeling comfortable enjoying being a whole person, a complete woman, and not needing to be anything other than that.  It’s letting all my defenses down and allowing myself to be completely at ease with being a woman.

Denise
entrenoususa@gmail.com

Illustration by Genevieve

http://www.genevievegaillard.com/

Garbage Bras
April 2008

After I posted the Elle Magazine email which featured the models with

less emphasis on makeup, it made me think about something I

experienced on my trip to France last Spring. Years ago, I ran a

parenting network at a middle school. At one point, I invited a new

parent to attend. She was French and she and her husband had brought

their family here for a few years (work related). Anyway, I met her

through that network and we became very close friends. She calls

herself my French soul sister. I know she is right.

Last year, I spent time with her in Paris. We wandered around shops

(where I never buy anything but croissants because I can afford

those). She suggested going into a lingerie shop where she buys her

bras. I said, " not for me, I have a very practical bra and I don't

really have a reason to wear one of those pretty ones". Now, I am

not talking about Victoria Secrets. These bras were beautiful and

comfortable. They were sexy, but in a sensual way, not a slutty way.

I went in to the store because my friend insisted. I told her I have

been "happy" wearing the same brand/style bra since my 19 year old

son was born. For goodness sake, why would I switch now? She said in

a very kind way, "that's a garbage bra....you should only wear that

for doing the dishes and for gardening." I told her I don't have

a reason to wear a "pretty" bra. She said, "We (French women) don't need 
a reason to wear beautiful bras. You wear them because they make

you feel beautiful. It's for you. It's how it makes you feel."

I acquiesced. I bought two bras, one gorgeous black one and a flesh

colored beauty. I can't even tell you how wonderful they make me

feel. I know what she means now. It's not about being beautiful or

trying to be beautiful for someone else. It's about feeling

beautiful underneath and having that permeate your existence. I

don't care how old I am or how non-perky my breasts are, they are so

damn happy in those bras...and so am I.

My French girlfriend kids me now when we talk on the phone, "What

bra do you have on?" I kid her back. "I like these bras so much

that I do the dishes in them." I still have garbage bras, but I only

wear them when I want to feel like garbage...which, thank goodness,

isn't very often.

Oh Life

I really enjoy writing a journal and I usually find a beautiful notebook to write in, but a month or so ago, I started writing in an online journal.  I am sure there are lots of them out there, but the one I use is OhLife.

Every morning, I get an email that prompts me to write something (you can set what time of day and how often you get the email).  My favorite part is that the email starts with something that I have written on another day.  I hardly ever look back at what I have written in my notebook journal, so this is a new pleasure for me.

I don’t know if it’s just seeing my journal entry in such a lovely online form or the fact that I have been traveling and it’s fun to write online rather than pull out a journal, but I think I am beginning to prefer the online version.

By the way, don't forget to log out if you would like to keep your journal private...

Let me know if you have an online journal that you have enjoyed.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

Let 'em Run Their Own Business

Martha Beck is an author who writes about living life to its fullest.  She is one of my all time favorites.  

She writes a blog with her insights.  The passage below is her latest post.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

Let 'em Run Their Own Business

Each relationship we have is paradoxically all-important and completely unnecessary. Understanding that paradox can save a world of heartache for us and our loved ones.
 
First, I want to acknowledge that relationships are the most important human experience available to us. I realized in my twenties that the meaning of life is not about what happens to people; it’s about what happens between people. Learning to connect with each other, to experience empathy, to step outside our own experience, and to experience love in all its forms — these, I believe, are the experiences for which we became human. One thing I have always told clients is that it’s worth throwing away ten great things if it helps create one great relationship.
 
As our first crop of Relationship coaches are nearing the end of their training, I’ve been impressed once again by the way relationships open us up to growth and healing in every area of our lives. That said, I also believe that our culture makes us attach to relationships that are destructive at both a personal and inter-personal level. Whenever we believe that our happiness comes from some other person, we are in grave danger of turning that person into a demigod and losing ourselves, or trying to force our loved ones to do more than any other human being has the power to do for us. We think that the people we love should make us happy, make us feel loved, help us face the world, take away our loneliness, and in a thousand other ways, do for us the emotional work that we can only do for ourselves. I’ve watched so many clients discard one relationship after another because their continued unhappiness was “proof” that they had not yet found the right person.
 
During one of our Relationship coaching calls, Master Coach Terry DeMeo mentioned that when she was trained at Byron Katie’s nine day school, she kept insisting to her husband that “it can’t all be about your business and my business. There’s got to be an our business” If this were true, relationships would be almost hopelessly fallible. But the fact, as Terry finally concluded, is that if we always tend to all our own business, and allow other people to deal with their business, relationships thrive. If you commit this month to meeting all your own needs, and that you cannot force your loved ones to be anything but what they are, you will find your own life becoming much more peaceful and your relationships finding their optimal pattern, whether that means increased intimacy or the acceptance of distance. Not all relationships can “work” in the way we think they should, but all your relationships are happening for you, not to you, and no matter what the other person does, you can be sure the relationship will get you where you need to go.
  

Taking the Risk - Permission to Be Real

I love the passage below because I believe it with all of my heart.   As a child growing up, I felt two things that somewhat contradicted each other.  One was that things are not always as they seem and the other was that if you listen to your heart and live true to it, you will be just fine, no matter what anyone else is doing or thinking.  Unfortunately as we get older, there are times when we look around and think "if only we had this" or "if only we were just like someone else or had their life". 

In the end, the truth is not always what it seems.  We can only live our own life true to ourselves.  Good news, though, it works every time.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

People who keep it real present themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would rather hide.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of keeping it real and have an
intuitive sense about what that means. People who keep it real don't hide
behind a mask to keep themselves safe from their fear of how they might be
perceived. They don't present a false self in order to appear more perfect,
more powerful, or more independent. People who keep it real present
themselves as they truly are, the good parts and the parts most of us would
rather hide, sharing their full selves with the people who are lucky enough
to know them.

Being real in this way is not an easy thing to do as we live in a culture
that often shows us images of physical and material perfection. As a result,
we all want to look younger, thinner, wealthier, and more successful. We are
rewarded externally when we succeed at this masquerade, but people who are
real remind us that, internally, we suffer. Whenever we feel that who we are
is not enough and that we need to be bigger, better, or more exciting, we
send a message to ourselves that we are not enough. Meanwhile, people who
are not trying to be something more than they are walk into a room and bring
a feeling of ease, humor, and warmth with them. They acknowledge their
wrinkles and laugh at their personal eccentricities without putting
themselves down.

People like this inspire us to let go of our own defenses and relax for a
moment in the truth of who we really are. In their presence, we feel safe
enough to take off our masks and experience the freedom of not hiding behind
a barrier. Those of us who were lucky enough to have a parent who was able
to keep it real may find it easier to be that way ourselves. The rest of us
may have to work a little harder to let go of our pretenses and share the
beauty and humor of our real selves. Our reward for taking such a risk is
that as we do, we will attract and inspire others, giving them the
permission to be real too.

From Daily OM

Giving to the American Red Cross

If you want to make a donation to the Red Cross, you can click into the link below the graphic.

Denise

American Red Cross

TeachParentsTech

This is a great website!   

TeachParentsTech.org was created by Google to help your parents or just about anyone with tech help.  There are more than 50 two minute videos with step by step instructions.  You can email the videos to people from the site or view them yourself.

The videos have received more than one million views since the December launch.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com

When Life Doesn't Make an Appointment

I had the strangest dream the other night.  It was so clear and so real; I can tell you every detail of it, but I won’t.

I will describe it briefly.  I was standing in our den and a contractor walked in out of the blue and told me he had been working on the plans for the den and he was here to start work.

I was shocked.  We are not doing work on our den, I have no intention of doing so, and what the heck was he doing walking in on me with NO appointment.  It was one thing that I didn’t even want work done and didn’t hire him in any way, shape or form.

But, the thing that really infuriated me was that he had the nerve to enter my life without an appointment.  I am not even that busy, but you don’t just waltz in whenever you like without giving me advance notice and allowing me to prepare for whatever it is.

HA!  I told him, “Get out!  You need an appointment to see me”.  He said, “I do what I want and I don’t ‘do’ appointments”.

Now, I know that sounds silly, but I figured out what he represented and why he caused me such angst.

He represented those things in life that happen without an appointment.  I don’t get  to schedule them.  They just happen.  I can’t tell them I don’t want them and they have to go away.  They have the upper hand.  When life deals you blows or changes that you don’t want, or have not prepared for or scheduled, tough luck.

I have plans.  I have always had plans, but it is only now that I am coming to realize that I may have plans, but not control.

When I told a friend of mine about this dream, he said a contractor is there to tear the present down and build up the future.  Wow, I didn’t even see that!

Another friend of mine says she has learned how to live life like a willow.  I love that image.  It is a beautiful way to describe the incorporation of flexibility and acceptance into your life.

I haven’t seen my contractor lately, but I feel more prepared to tangle with him next time he stops by.

My dream taught me two things:  you REALLY can’t plan everything and you need to learn to live peacefully with that concept AND tell a friend about your dreams and they may see things that you completely missed.

Denise

entrenoususa@gmail.com